Thursday, 27 November 2014

Dear Baby -- Happy Thanksgiving!

Dear Emma,

Happy FIRST Thanksgiving!  This holiday is all about family and food and sharing what you are grateful for with those you love. I am so incredibly in love with my beautiful, little family and thankful every day for our blessing, you.  Our time so far has been nothing short of amazing and I cannot wait to spend even more time with you as you grow up.

I find it hard sometimes to comprehend the phenomena of time.  Our time - It's quite arbitrary.  Some days I feel as though time moves at a glacial pace, whilst other days I am shocked when I look at the clock and the day is nearly done.  

Your life - albeit short - has been punctuated with a flurry of highs and lows - celebrations and firsts and sorrows.  Every day there is something new which you discover: your toes, your reflection in the mirror, carrot or the fact that you can screech a sound only dogs can hear.

You are learning - and so am I.  Time is a wonderful teacher.

I have already written about the end of our breastfeeding journey, and although I'm sure you don't want to hear about it, the day came when I had nothing to give you but a bottle. As sad as I was, I was looking forward to all of our new adventures together - but I will forever cherish those feeds when it was just me and you (just like we always said - remember?).  

When I think about time I look at where I was a year ago.  You were here too - although not technically HERE.  You were alive and you were making your presence known.

One year ago I was hospitalised for hyperemesis gravidarum.  My morning sickness was an absolute dilapidating experience.  I remember the nausea first setting in and being relieved - yes - relieved that I felt something and I knew I really and truly was pregnant.  But then it didn't go away.  Not by that afternoon.  Not by that evening.  Not by the middle of the night.

I was in a musical - The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas - and it was the week of the show. I was performing and then running off stage to vomit every few minutes.  How I made it through it, I have no idea.  

I remember being too unwell to go to work.  I remember being unable to use the loo.  I remember driving to the doctor and being told I had to go to the hospital.  I don't think anyone can really appreciate how ill I really was.  Unless you have suffered with morning sickness as severe as I had - you don't get it. 

When we were in hospital we met you for the first time.  

You were real. You were you. You were and are still perfect. 

That being said - hyperemesis is real and it is one of those reasons why I genuinely disliked my pregnancy.  Everyone always told me it would be worth it - YOU would be worth it - and I agree. You are worth it. I would do it all again for you.

The weeks of suffering are not a distant memory - I remember nearly every agonising minute of lying on the floor in our house on a bed made from cushions from our sofa.  Daddy would run out to buy me anything I fancied to eat - anything to get me to eat.  Some days I was obsessed with orange juice, others it was ice pops.  Iced tea slushies really helped. 

That was a time in my life I will not too soon forget.  But if I had known then just how wonderful you would be, I would have treasured those minutes, hours, days and weeks just a little bit more.  As horrible as the sickness was, it was the start of our journey.  Nothing has been easy since that day one year ago, but Im starting to think I am cut out for it all - the challenges, the struggles, the good times and bad.  At some point down the road you're going to say I'm too mean or too harsh.  Yep - you're right.  I'm your mom....and after this year I've learnt that if I'm going to be a mom - I need to be tough.

Thanksgiving will always be special to me, as it was over Thanksgiving where I first met you.  I am thankful for you, Emma Berry.  Today, tomorrow and forever.

I love you,

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