Perspective

I've thought a great deal about family over the past few days. Losing my grandmother has hit me a lot harder than I ever expected it to. 

Before I moved to England I was part of our family. The meals, the visits, the socialising, the birthdays and so much more.  I know that I made the choice to move here seven years ago, but I'm now looking at all of those things that I have missed and wishing that I didn't have to miss any more. 

B and I live a predictable life here, and it centers around work. He works incredibly hard at the hospital and then equally hard in the evenings in preparation for the USMLE.  I'm working solid during the school day and bringing home more work every night than I can actually complete. While I've disliked this new way of life, I never really considered the implications. 

The result Is worse than I thought. I've started to strongly dislike my job. It's not about the kids any more, it's about jumping through the hoops the government keep throwing at  us. It's fire fighting changes made and trying meet expectations day in and out. It's trying to be creative enough to be outstanding every single day. 

There is no time for family. No time for friends. The fact that I actually questioned whether or not I could go to my beloved grandmother's funeral because of work...that's just wrong. 

Spending time with my family over the two and a half days I was in Amereica was a wake up call. I want family. I want friends. I miss my faith and I miss teaching - the teaching I am trained to do.  I miss my life back in America where I felt so loved by a family who loves me unconditionally and look out for my well being. 

Something has to change. I regret more than anything that it took losing my grandmother to realise that. When my cousin gave her eulogy at the funeral she compared all of us to grandma. She told the congregation how I had grandma's smile and happiness. I'm not serving her memory well if I continue to live the way I'm living. 

It's time for change. I thank grandma for helping me see that. 

Xx