Friday, 17 July 2015

Dear Baby - it's your Birthday Eve!

Dear Baby,

Tonight when I put you down for bed, you awoke five minutes later and cried.  You never wake up and cry.  I went back into your room and gave you the last of your milk.   You then reached up and rested your head on my shoulder.  You haven't rested your head on my shoulder since you were a tiny baby.  I held you and we rocked.  Your room was quiet and cool. You were warm.  I could feel your heart beating as you stroked the back of my arm.  After a few minutes, I lay you back down to bed and said goodnight.

This - on the eve of your first birthday.

One year is an awful long time.  Why is it then, that this first year of your life felt like a minute?  I remember certain hours would drag by - some of them were terribly difficult.  Others seem to last mere seconds.  Exactly this time, 365 days ago, I was desperate to meet you.  Not because of the pain or the pressure - but because it had been me and you for nine months.  Nine whole months.  I wanted it to be me and you - the real you.

You were suddenly there and everything in this world suddenly changed.  You were so tiny and now you are so, so big.  You were strong willed and resilient then and you still are today.  Sometimes I wonder what life was like before you - was it easier?  More relaxing?  Maybe.  But it was incomplete.   I wouldn't want my life to be any different than how it is today.

When you go to bed each night I miss you terribly.  I often watch the monitor, studying the outline of your feet or watch for your chest to rise and fall.  You are perfect - and I didn't think it was possible for a human being to be perfect.  Your heart, soul and very being are just perfect.  I wouldn't change a hair on your head - nothing would make you any more beautiful or more fantastic. Never forget that.

I wish I wrote more letters to you, but I am spending most of time being with you rather than thinking about you.  I am lucky as I have had the chance to spend nearly all of this first year with you.  It really has been me and you - day in and day out.  I wouldn't want it any other way.

I know sometimes it looks like I have no idea what I'm doing.  I'm sure I frustrate you because I'm not getting things right - but I promise - I am trying.  I want more than anything to be a good mama.  Trust me - when I put my mind to something, I end up putting my whole self into it.  Being your mother is my greatest role in life.  I hope I manage to make half the impact on you as you have made on me.

One year ago I became a different person.  I have you to thank for that.  Thank you for the lessons on how to live and how to love.  Thank you for the kisses and the trust you put in me.  Thank you for the laughter and tears.  But most importantly, thank you for the love - I see it every time you smile at me.

I love you, Emma Rose Berry.  More than you will ever know.

Happy Birthday, my sweet.

Me xxx

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