Maternity Leave is ending....

It is with a very heavy heart that I write this post. Before you read on, please understand that I know how fortunate I am to live in a country which values maternity leave. We are so very lucky to be offered a year of leave - three of those months receiving some pay from work. Due to both finances and our potential move abroad, I had to return to work. While I find the return heartbreaking, I know that every other mother feels the same way upon their return to work.  What's more - I had far more time with Emma than most mothers get with their little ones. I am by no means unaware of how fortunate I have been.

I had chosen to return to work the week before the Christmas holidays as I believed it would be easier to get back into the swing of things right before the two week holiday. I would have to spend the Christmas holiday preparing, so I may as well get paid for it, right?  The return five days before the break also meant that I could ease myself in - leaving my precious baby for only five days before I would be with her again for two weeks.  

Let's get one thing straight. I never thought I would be maternal...I didn't think I had it in me. I have always been a relatively selfish individual - and before you say "no, you are being too hard on yourself" - yes - I have always been selfish. I wasn't convinced I wanted to change my physical appearance. I didn't want to lose sleep. I didn't want to give up things which I did or bought or ate or used.  I was happy with my life and the way we lived. 

And then along came Emma. 

I didn't realise my life was half empty. I didn't know my heart was missing something. I couldn't initially comprehend the love that I feel for her or the way she makes me feel.  She was part of me for nine months and then virtually attached to me for four. We've been inseparable. I've not even spent more than a few hours away from her (and I can count those occurrences on one hand) and she's nearly five months old. 

Now, I have to leave her for most of the day, five days a week - and it's honestly breaking my heart. She will love being with other kids and she will love the different activities they do at nursery.

I know it'll be fine.

That doesn't mean I am ready.

What makes things even harder is that I know my job. I know the time commitment it takes. I've always prided myself on my work ethic and I've always met deadlines and ensured the quality of my work is high. In the years I have worked there, I've spent hours every night commiting myself to my career, trying to be Perfect. For years I have allowed myself to become buried in work - wading my way through endless piles of paperwork and never quite being good enough. 

And now I've realised that that is not ok anymore. 

I don't know how to be both a successful teacher and a mom. I'm not sure I can do both. I'm not saying it can't be done, I'm just saying that I'm not sure that I can do both.  

Emma is the piece of my heart that I didn't even know was missing.  I know I have to return to work, but that only means for eight hours a day I will be missing a very important piece of myself. I will be half present.  My commitment is at the bottom of the school field - playing her day away in a brightly coloured nursery where someone else will change her and feed her and hold her. 

Half may not be good enough - half committed to my work or half committed to my daughter. 

She wins - every time. 

The only consolation to returning is that I know it won't be forever. I know that something is coming. Never the less - the next few weeks are going to be difficult. 

I've watched her sleep over the past few days, loving her gentle breathing and relaxed, comfortable form. I am going to savour every second spent with my beautiful little girl - she is, after all, the piece I never knew I was missing. 

Xx

Ofsted Aftermath

It's hard to explain the education system to my friends and family back in America.  "It's just not the same"comes out of my mouth nearly every time I mention work.  And then there's Ofsted.  

I wrote a few weeks ago that we were shocked by the fall in our GCSE results.  From the first day back the bar has been raised - a much greater demand has been placed on the quality our teaching, marking and the behaviour and progress of our students.  We knew Ofsted were coming and we knew they wouldn't be happy.  

While the changes are fabulous and really good for the kids, it's exhausting.  I'm proud of my work and I know what I need to do to be the best.  But it is time consuming and incredibly tiring.  I will get to work at 7:30 and finish working around 10:00pm - daily.  Perhaps that is just the territory that comes with being an English teacher.

And then on Wednesday we received the call that Ofsted was arriving in 20 hours.  Not even the pretty sky could take my mind off of it.

So two days later I've survived.  I was rated Good with outstanding features.  I shouldn't complain, but I was slightly disappointed as I was judged Outstanding last year.  As for the school - well, we don't know yet.  I've been told that there's a lot of work that needs to be done.

I'm anxious.  I'm nervous.  I'm upset.  I'm not really sure what is in store, but I know what I'm like - I will work hard to be Outstanding - late nights and working weekends included.

Considering my diet consisted of half a pizza, a doughnut and twelve cups of coffee over the two days Ofsted were in, I'm going to focus on eating right and getting my energy letters back up.  Green smoothies definitely on the menu.

Difficult times ahead....hopefully I can keep finding the positives.

xx

Finding the sunshine on a cloudy day

The release of GCSE results last week has rendered me speechless; hence my stunned silence.

I knew trouble was brewing the night before when the news articles claimed a drastic drop in results. I was naturally quite worried...but nothing prepared me for how bad it was.

I was already anxious about returning, but I still made the effort and marked and planned, preparing myself for my new classes in September.  Now, I'm just freaked out.

What do you do when you feel an absolute failure?  I'm sure most of my colleagues are in the same boat - wondering what we could have done differently and how we could have reached those kids who didn't do as well as expected.  We are not a school that gets 40%.

Today is the final day of the summer holidays, I am trying to find positivity and motivation.

I became a teacher because I wanted to make a difference. This year is going to be hard.  Whispers of Ofsted and Special Measures cloud the start of the new year.

When I started this blog I did so to reflect on the positive things and focus on the good in my life in spite of the stress work causes.  I think now, more than ever, I'm going to need to remember that.

Stay tuned.  Cloudy times are ahead.

xx

The end of an era

We are in the final two weeks of school and I feel as though the minutes are taking hours and the hours are taking days!

I've finished my classroom decor just in time for a new form with new kids and fresh starts all around. I'm loving the atmosphere in my classroom as it feels so calm.

I was so sad to miss the 4th of July celebrations but manages to draw out a patriotic nod on my board. A few students even left a little message!

I think the highlight of the week had been receiving a gorgeous bought of flowers from my head of department and head of house thanking me for managing things while they are tied up elsewhere. 

It's amazing how a little token like that can give you fuel and a smile and the knowledge that people recognise and appreciate hard work. 

Feeling relieved that it's Friday but also proud of what I've achieved professionally over the past few weeks. 

With that said...Bring on the weekend! 

Xx

New Beginnings....

We still have six weeks left of school here in England, but all of my American friends are greeting the summer holidays this week!  I'm insanely jealous happy for their survival and cannot wait until the 23 July when I get to sing "School's out for summer!"

Even though we have six weeks left, we are making massive changes to the structure of our school starting on 1 July.  We are going to implement vertical tutoring.  Seen Harry Potter and love their house system?  Well, I'm living it.

So the school LOOKS like something out of Hogwarts.  But now we will have four houses and compete academically and through sport and other fun challenges.

I'll lose my form (who I have been with for five years!) and will be in charge of the academic and emotional development of five year 7, 8, 9, 10 and 11s.  I become "mum" to 25 kids.  It's something I have to admit - I really like about the English system because you genuinely get to know these kids and become a part of their lives.

What's more - we will be in an English/Modern Foreign Language "House" named Gloucester-Windsor.  We are totally excited and are currently in the process of decking our department in green and black in order to set up a united house from day one.  I know they are Slytherin colours....but maybe it just means we are "cunning, resourceful and full of ambition."

A blank canvas.  I'm looking forward to filling them, but I'm not entirely sure what I will fill them with. I would welcome any ideas and suggestions!!

As for me, I'm doing some work from home tonight.  I'm updating our KS3 curriculum to prepare students for a GCSE which doesn't yet exist!  Judging by the KS2 grammar test, I can only guess we need to focus more on grammar!  Stay tuned...

xx